My testimony, part 2 - My Lukewarm Faith.

I was still able to "speak Christian" – you know, the language we sometimes use just enough to keep others from detecting our lack of a genuine relationship with God. I didn't want anyone to talk to me about being lukewarm.

I had a distant memory of the verse from Revelation 3:16: "So, because you are lukewarm - neither hot nor cold - I am about to spit you out of my mouth.”   Still, I didn’t think about this verse often, but when it did cross my mind, I looked the other way. Unhappily lukewarm and denying my reality and the distance I had created from God.

I turned to music, books, teachings and relationships that were far from God’s will for me. I thought that because it sounded good, landed softly on the ear, felt good and was effective and popular in the eyes of the world, it couldn't be damaging to my life. I flirted with new age practices and tried to see God in what appeared innocent and pure, but was far from it.

I was seeking something to fill the gap and give me a foundation because I felt weak in who I was. Much of my attention was directed away from the Truth, and I spiralled into a world of independence from God.

I found myself justifying my ways, decisions, and thoughts, even though I knew I was astray. I always felt I needed more, that I wasn’t enough according to the standards of the world. I believed I didn’t have much to offer. Although I may have offered much to the world, and people appreciated my input, presence, and approach, I still felt small and insignificant - empty.  ​

Despite having multiple degrees and certificates, having had a successful career in senior positions, being a kind and financially independent person, and consistently caring for myself, I still felt empty. Finding joy in traveling and experiencing beautiful moments with my siblings, friends, and even strangers, I also had the guidance of two parents who did their best to teach me God’s way.

Yet, deep down, I was searching for something to fill a profound void that came from drifting away from God.

Continue reading my testimony - part 3.